Grieving The "Loss" of My Son: How Going Back To Work Felt Like My Miscarriage

Well, here I am. The moment every mother dreads, having to go back to work and leave her little one in the care of someone else. Where did the time go!? Everyone says that "it goes by fast," but no one tells you its supersonic fast!!!

The pain of going back to work hit about two weeks out for me. I silently sobbed every night because one more day had passed, and I was one more day closer to it all being over. The pain and the grief I was feeling felt eerily familiar like I had been here before. It finally dawned on me that that the grief I was feeling had similarities to the thoughts and feelings I experienced after our miscarriage.

Here are the similarities the grief of these two different experiences:

I Blamed Myself
I felt like the world's biggest failure. I continuously felt like it was all my fault, and if only had I made different decisions, this wouldn't be happening. I know now that I didn't do anything wrong to cause my miscarriage, but at the time, I felt like my body had failed my unborn child. I miscarried early into our first pregnancy, but that didn't stop me from rethinking all the choices that I made and how they could have affected the pregnancy. 

This same feeling took place when I realized that staying home would be too hard financially. Once again, all of those "what if" thoughts started to pop back into my head again.  I blamed myself for not doing a better job saving or working harder on paying off my student loans. Realistically, I had done my best, but instead of looking at all I had accomplished, I could only focus on what I didn't do yet.

You Are Losing A Part of You
I would never wish a miscarriage on anyone. But unless you have gone through it yourself, you will never really understand how it feels. One moment, the baby is with you throughout every moment of the day, and the next moment they are gone. That emptiness is consuming.

This feeling of "gone" was not identical, but all too familiar. This little person I have been caring for day and night for the past eight weeks is now barely part of my day, especially on the nights where I had to go straight to my second job right after I was done teaching all day at school.

I was grieving the "loss" of my son.

Your Husband Gets It, But Doesn't
I have the World's Greatest Husband. I often say I won the jackpot when we became a couple. He is compassionate and caring and is an old school romantic. He knew I was struggling, with having to leave Jack and he understood it was hard, but he would never truly able to fully understand everything I was going through with this grief. Only moms, especially new moms, get it. 

This problem of not fully understanding what I was going through rang true with losing Jules. When we had our miscarriage, it was the same. The empathy my husband was trying to express could only go so far since no one truly understands this feeling unless they have experienced it themselves firsthand. As much as my husband lost Jules too, his experience was different than mine.

You Become Jealous of Other Moms
The feeling of jealousy was the most relatable. After I had my miscarriage, I was uncharacteristically angry and jealous when I saw or found out other people were pregnant, or even just seeing other people with kids in general. I couldn't escape it since I am a teacher. I was reminded daily, even hourly, of what I had lost. I so desperately wanted my baby back safe and with me. 

The feeling of jealousy is remarkably similar to the situation of going back to work vs. being a stay at home mom. I tried my best to stay off of the internet, but marketing my painting business requires me to be on social media to advertise my classes. By seeing so many stay-at-home moms plastered all over Facebook and Instagram, that frustration and jealousy started to creep back in.

I was and still am so envious that those moms could stay at home watching their little ones grow and experience new things every day. I know this choice is a huge financial sacrifice, but I wish more than anything, it was something my husband and I were able to pull off.

Blindsided By Emotions
After I miscarried, some days afterward were better than others. I don't think you can ever say you have ever completely recovered from losing a child, but each day that passes, it seemed a little better than the day before. But then there were some days where it seemed that everything was going just fine, and then BAM, out of nowhere, all the emotions and sadness came flooding on back like a tidal wave. I still have these days once in a while, even now, almost a full year later. 

About two weeks before I was to return to school, is when the sadness began to set in. I started sobbing almost every night silently as I would feed and rock Jack to sleep. During the day, I usually felt like I was doing better. It seemed like it was getting better. I would just be holding him, or I would look over as he was sleeping in his swing, and that tidal wave of emotions would return, followed by the silent sobbing.

You Would Give Anything To Make Things Different
There isn't much of an explanation needed for this one in regards to wishing things could have been different after experiencing a miscarriage. But these thoughts came across my mind also when it was time to return to work. I honestly became desperate. I looked for any way to make the impossible possible. 

The major hurdle holding me back from staying at home was my student loans. For the past three years, I have been trying to pay off my student loans aggressively by using everything I earned from my second job towards the loans. Even though I have done a phenomenal job whittling down the majority of my loans, one loan still stands in my way of being able to afford to stay at home with Jack.

I became so desperate to get rid of this loan that I was about to drain my entire bank account to pay it off. Withdrawing everything from my bank account would have been beyond reckless and irresponsible. Jack has mild medical issues, and our house is over 100 years old, that money had to stay put. But trust me, I thought about pulling the trigger on this quite a few times.

Everything Happens for a Reason
If I were to choose one motto that I believe in wholeheartedly, it would have to be that "everything happens for a reason." I had to remind myself during both of these experiences that everything that happens in life has a purpose. For my miscarriage, it was to show me that I did want children because I had always been on the fence. It also made my rainbow pregnancy that much more joyful and meaningful. 

I am still in the process of figuring out the reason that I was meant to go back to work. But for now, until I discover the meaning, I will say it is because I am hopefully reaching out to others reading this who may be experiencing these same feelings, helping to let you know that you're not alone. I know that each day will get a little easier, with maybe a minor setback here and there. This moment may be tough, but so am I and so are you.