Well, here I am. The moment every mother dreads, having to go back to work and leave her little one in the care of someone else. Where did the time go!? Everyone says that "it goes by fast," but no one tells you its supersonic fast!!!

The pain of going back to work hit about two weeks out for me. I silently sobbed every night because one more day had passed, and I was one more day closer to it all being over. The pain and the grief I was feeling felt eerily familiar like I had been here before. It finally dawned on me that that the grief I was feeling had similarities to the thoughts and feelings I experienced after our miscarriage.

Here are the similarities the grief of these two different experiences:

I Blamed Myself
I felt like the world's biggest failure. I continuously felt like it was all my fault, and if only had I made different decisions, this wouldn't be happening. I know now that I didn't do anything wrong to cause my miscarriage, but at the time, I felt like my body had failed my unborn child. I miscarried early into our first pregnancy, but that didn't stop me from rethinking all the choices that I made and how they could have affected the pregnancy. 

This same feeling took place when I realized that staying home would be too hard financially. Once again, all of those "what if" thoughts started to pop back into my head again.  I blamed myself for not doing a better job saving or working harder on paying off my student loans. Realistically, I had done my best, but instead of looking at all I had accomplished, I could only focus on what I didn't do yet.

You Are Losing A Part of You
I would never wish a miscarriage on anyone. But unless you have gone through it yourself, you will never really understand how it feels. One moment, the baby is with you throughout every moment of the day, and the next moment they are gone. That emptiness is consuming.

This feeling of "gone" was not identical, but all too familiar. This little person I have been caring for day and night for the past eight weeks is now barely part of my day, especially on the nights where I had to go straight to my second job right after I was done teaching all day at school.

I was grieving the "loss" of my son.

Your Husband Gets It, But Doesn't
I have the World's Greatest Husband. I often say I won the jackpot when we became a couple. He is compassionate and caring and is an old school romantic. He knew I was struggling, with having to leave Jack and he understood it was hard, but he would never truly able to fully understand everything I was going through with this grief. Only moms, especially new moms, get it. 

This problem of not fully understanding what I was going through rang true with losing Jules. When we had our miscarriage, it was the same. The empathy my husband was trying to express could only go so far since no one truly understands this feeling unless they have experienced it themselves firsthand. As much as my husband lost Jules too, his experience was different than mine.

You Become Jealous of Other Moms
The feeling of jealousy was the most relatable. After I had my miscarriage, I was uncharacteristically angry and jealous when I saw or found out other people were pregnant, or even just seeing other people with kids in general. I couldn't escape it since I am a teacher. I was reminded daily, even hourly, of what I had lost. I so desperately wanted my baby back safe and with me. 

The feeling of jealousy is remarkably similar to the situation of going back to work vs. being a stay at home mom. I tried my best to stay off of the internet, but marketing my painting business requires me to be on social media to advertise my classes. By seeing so many stay-at-home moms plastered all over Facebook and Instagram, that frustration and jealousy started to creep back in.

I was and still am so envious that those moms could stay at home watching their little ones grow and experience new things every day. I know this choice is a huge financial sacrifice, but I wish more than anything, it was something my husband and I were able to pull off.

Blindsided By Emotions
After I miscarried, some days afterward were better than others. I don't think you can ever say you have ever completely recovered from losing a child, but each day that passes, it seemed a little better than the day before. But then there were some days where it seemed that everything was going just fine, and then BAM, out of nowhere, all the emotions and sadness came flooding on back like a tidal wave. I still have these days once in a while, even now, almost a full year later. 

About two weeks before I was to return to school, is when the sadness began to set in. I started sobbing almost every night silently as I would feed and rock Jack to sleep. During the day, I usually felt like I was doing better. It seemed like it was getting better. I would just be holding him, or I would look over as he was sleeping in his swing, and that tidal wave of emotions would return, followed by the silent sobbing.

You Would Give Anything To Make Things Different
There isn't much of an explanation needed for this one in regards to wishing things could have been different after experiencing a miscarriage. But these thoughts came across my mind also when it was time to return to work. I honestly became desperate. I looked for any way to make the impossible possible. 

The major hurdle holding me back from staying at home was my student loans. For the past three years, I have been trying to pay off my student loans aggressively by using everything I earned from my second job towards the loans. Even though I have done a phenomenal job whittling down the majority of my loans, one loan still stands in my way of being able to afford to stay at home with Jack.

I became so desperate to get rid of this loan that I was about to drain my entire bank account to pay it off. Withdrawing everything from my bank account would have been beyond reckless and irresponsible. Jack has mild medical issues, and our house is over 100 years old, that money had to stay put. But trust me, I thought about pulling the trigger on this quite a few times.

Everything Happens for a Reason
If I were to choose one motto that I believe in wholeheartedly, it would have to be that "everything happens for a reason." I had to remind myself during both of these experiences that everything that happens in life has a purpose. For my miscarriage, it was to show me that I did want children because I had always been on the fence. It also made my rainbow pregnancy that much more joyful and meaningful. 

I am still in the process of figuring out the reason that I was meant to go back to work. But for now, until I discover the meaning, I will say it is because I am hopefully reaching out to others reading this who may be experiencing these same feelings, helping to let you know that you're not alone. I know that each day will get a little easier, with maybe a minor setback here and there. This moment may be tough, but so am I and so are you.

When my husband and I first got married, we were on the fence about having children. We loved our carefree lifestyle. We could do what we wanted when we wanted. Life was perfect. At the moment, I didn't feel that "urge" that all the moms that I knew talked about. I figured when the time was right, I would know.

I first realized something was up when my breasts started tingling, just like that sensation when your arm falls asleep. My breasts also felt hard, like really hard. Then I realized I was late, which is uncommon for me. Ugh oh... could I be pregnant?

I bought a pregnancy test and told my husband that I felt different. He thought I was crazy and didn't take it seriously. I took the test and even went so far as to record it with my phone. I wanted to capture our reactions just in case the pregnancy test came back positive. Sure enough, we were pregnant with two positive tests. I am going to admit it, at first I was freaked out, and so was he. But about an hour later, Tom told me how excited he was once the shock had worn off. This caused my worries to transform into excitement.

We were supposed to see my family that night, so we decided why not tell them? We also recorded their reaction because we knew they would be shocked. My mom didn't disappoint with how excited she was about the news. 

The next day I woke up, I was beaming. I felt so special and excited.  It was football Sunday, that's when I decided to give the baby the nickname Jules, after Julian Edelman until we knew the gender further down the line. It was a great day. Little did we know that that joy was about to be torn away from us.

The following morning as I got up to prepare to get ready for school, my nightmare began to unfold. There it was, blood. I began to sob; my husband came rushing in. I begged him to go to the store and get me another test. He did; the nightmare continued to progress. They both came back negative. Great, I now had to go to work with a building full of children knowing I had lost mine.

I felt it was too late to call in for a sub. I also knew if I didn't go to work, I probably would sit home and cry the entire day. I should have stayed home. For whatever reason, that day, out of all the days, my middle school students wanted to discuss the idea of me having kids someday. They had no idea how heartbroken and distraught I was and how I was barely hanging on by a thread that day.

When I got home, I knew I needed to vent. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I don't like holding in my emotions. My husband always says I share our entire lives on Facebook; I felt this was the best way to cope with my heartbreak. I still do not regret this decision. 

I poured out my heart into that Facebook post that day. Little did I know the overwhelming amount of love and support that was about to come flooding back through my phone.

Here was something else I didn't expect. It helped others begin to talk about their own experiences. I was shocked by how many women I knew that had experienced this tragedy themselves. 

The one moment that was the most powerful was when I received a private message from a former student. We had a great relationship when I had her in class in middle school. She found out that she was pregnant during her senior year and also lost the baby. Although she saw it as a second chance at regaining back her high school life, she still was saddened by her loss. Worse, was at the time, she felt she had no one to talk to about this. My heart broke for her. That night we had one of the best conversations. I was so proud of her for finding the strength to talk about it. 

Then I realized that so many women have probably had to face one of the worst days of their life alone. This hidden trauma and grief broke my heart even more. I know that not everyone is comfortable with sharing something so personal like this with others. But I promise you that if you find the strength to even reach out to another person, you won't regret it.

That leads me to my list of ways to cope with miscarriage:

Cry:
You need to let it out for as long as you need to. Your hormones are a big mess, and your body is all out of wack. It is going to take time to heal both physically and emotionally. There may be days, even months down the line when you need to cry about it again. It is okay.

Talk about it:
It takes a lot of bravery to open up to someone about something so personal. But do you know what I think is worse, having to go through this alone. 

Don't be afraid to refer to them by name: 
No matter how short your little one's life was, it still was there. There was love and excitement about bringing that baby into the world. In my opinion, giving your child a name is a great way to honor their brief life. 

Share your story:
I know that this one is definitely not for everyone and I completely understand and respect that. However, here is why I am mentioning it. When you are brave enough to share your story, you are helping break down the taboo of miscarriage. You also might be able to help someone else who is suffering silently. 

Also, when you are brave enough to share your tragedy with the world, if you decide to try and conceive again, the rest of the world celebrates even more with you when they find out about your rainbow baby. 

Find a way to remember your baby: There are multiple ways to do it. Here are some of the ways I have chosen and some other alternatives as well.

Get a tattoo: 
Many people use this as their medium of choice to symbolize the moments they have gone through in life. Getting a tattoo is also a beautiful way to remember your baby if creating art yourself isn't your thing. It is also a way for fathers to honor the baby because dads feel the pain of your loss too.

Buy a cake:
I highly recommend this one for later down the line. You will eventually reach the inevitable due date day when you should have been snuggling your baby in your arms. When I realized mine was about a week away, all of those emotions came back and hard. I remember driving home with tears running down my face. I called my husband; we decided to buy a small cake for the two of us with some candles like you would a birthday cake. We lit the candles and said a little prayer. I am so happy we did this. I want to continue it every year.

Try to find the silver lining:
This one is tough, trust me, I know. How can you possibly find the good from something so heartbreaking? Everyone is different; it may not be possible for some of you reading this. However, I found mine; it did help me.  

My silver lining through this was that without getting pregnant by surprise with Jules, I wouldn't have realized that I did want to be a mom. I wouldn't have my beautiful little rainbow baby Jack; I wouldn't be talking to you trying to help you through this tough time. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.

When you are ready, try again:
After losing Jules, I knew I so desperately wanted to be pregnant again. I did some research and discovered that you can ovulate again two weeks after your miscarriage. I knew that I wanted to try again immediately. Those two weeks felt like an eternity. I bought these ovulation strips and used them every day to be sure I was ovulating before getting our hopes up. Sure enough, two weeks later, the test came back positive that my body was ovulating. Even better was that we were successful and were pregnant again on our first try.

I promise that if you choose to try again when you conceive that next baby, you will be beyond thrilled, your rainbow baby will mean more to you than you can ever imagine.

Mama, I wish you the best of luck. I hope that this blog has helped you to find ways to cope and survive this traumatic time. I plan on writing another piece next in regards to getting pregnant after your miscarriage to help you further with this part of your journey. I hope you stop back in to read it.
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