For The Mom Who Lost Their Baby Too Soon: 12 Ways to Overcome the Pain of a Miscarriage

When my husband and I first got married, we were on the fence about having children. We loved our carefree lifestyle. We could do what we wanted when we wanted. Life was perfect. At the moment, I didn't feel that "urge" that all the moms that I knew talked about. I figured when the time was right, I would know.

I first realized something was up when my breasts started tingling, just like that sensation when your arm falls asleep. My breasts also felt hard, like really hard. Then I realized I was late, which is uncommon for me. Ugh oh... could I be pregnant?

I bought a pregnancy test and told my husband that I felt different. He thought I was crazy and didn't take it seriously. I took the test and even went so far as to record it with my phone. I wanted to capture our reactions just in case the pregnancy test came back positive. Sure enough, we were pregnant with two positive tests. I am going to admit it, at first I was freaked out, and so was he. But about an hour later, Tom told me how excited he was once the shock had worn off. This caused my worries to transform into excitement.

We were supposed to see my family that night, so we decided why not tell them? We also recorded their reaction because we knew they would be shocked. My mom didn't disappoint with how excited she was about the news. 

The next day I woke up, I was beaming. I felt so special and excited.  It was football Sunday, that's when I decided to give the baby the nickname Jules, after Julian Edelman until we knew the gender further down the line. It was a great day. Little did we know that that joy was about to be torn away from us.

The following morning as I got up to prepare to get ready for school, my nightmare began to unfold. There it was, blood. I began to sob; my husband came rushing in. I begged him to go to the store and get me another test. He did; the nightmare continued to progress. They both came back negative. Great, I now had to go to work with a building full of children knowing I had lost mine.

I felt it was too late to call in for a sub. I also knew if I didn't go to work, I probably would sit home and cry the entire day. I should have stayed home. For whatever reason, that day, out of all the days, my middle school students wanted to discuss the idea of me having kids someday. They had no idea how heartbroken and distraught I was and how I was barely hanging on by a thread that day.

When I got home, I knew I needed to vent. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I don't like holding in my emotions. My husband always says I share our entire lives on Facebook; I felt this was the best way to cope with my heartbreak. I still do not regret this decision. 

I poured out my heart into that Facebook post that day. Little did I know the overwhelming amount of love and support that was about to come flooding back through my phone.

Here was something else I didn't expect. It helped others begin to talk about their own experiences. I was shocked by how many women I knew that had experienced this tragedy themselves. 

The one moment that was the most powerful was when I received a private message from a former student. We had a great relationship when I had her in class in middle school. She found out that she was pregnant during her senior year and also lost the baby. Although she saw it as a second chance at regaining back her high school life, she still was saddened by her loss. Worse, was at the time, she felt she had no one to talk to about this. My heart broke for her. That night we had one of the best conversations. I was so proud of her for finding the strength to talk about it. 

Then I realized that so many women have probably had to face one of the worst days of their life alone. This hidden trauma and grief broke my heart even more. I know that not everyone is comfortable with sharing something so personal like this with others. But I promise you that if you find the strength to even reach out to another person, you won't regret it.

That leads me to my list of ways to cope with miscarriage:

Cry:
You need to let it out for as long as you need to. Your hormones are a big mess, and your body is all out of wack. It is going to take time to heal both physically and emotionally. There may be days, even months down the line when you need to cry about it again. It is okay.

Talk about it:
It takes a lot of bravery to open up to someone about something so personal. But do you know what I think is worse, having to go through this alone. 

Don't be afraid to refer to them by name: 
No matter how short your little one's life was, it still was there. There was love and excitement about bringing that baby into the world. In my opinion, giving your child a name is a great way to honor their brief life. 

Share your story:
I know that this one is definitely not for everyone and I completely understand and respect that. However, here is why I am mentioning it. When you are brave enough to share your story, you are helping break down the taboo of miscarriage. You also might be able to help someone else who is suffering silently. 

Also, when you are brave enough to share your tragedy with the world, if you decide to try and conceive again, the rest of the world celebrates even more with you when they find out about your rainbow baby. 

Find a way to remember your baby: There are multiple ways to do it. Here are some of the ways I have chosen and some other alternatives as well.

Buy a Piece of Jewelry: 
Many women will buy a piece of jewelry with the birthstone of the month their baby would have been born. 

You could also have something made personally from Etsy and have it personalized. Buying a piece of jewelry is the route we chose and had Jules name stamped into the bracelet. 

Buying commemorative jewelry is great for others too. When I found out that one of my closest family members had also suffered a miscarriage, I wanted to send her something to show that I was not only thinking about her; but to give her something to wear to symbolize her loss. I bought her this necklace and had it shipped to her out of state home since I couldn't give it to her in person. 

​Create a garden: Buy a tree or plant that is symbolic to you.

Buy a little statue or figurine:
Buying an angel statue was also another route that I chose. I bought this little angel off of Amazon and placed it in my memorial garden in my back yard. I chose this spot specifically. I walk by it every day because I want to remember it every day. I don't want to forget that I have a little one waiting for me.

Create or purchase a garden flag to place in your memorial garden: 
I am an artist and an art teacher. Creating things is my natural therapeutic outlet. So painting something was a no brainer to me. I purchased a blank garden flag and used some acrylic paints to create my garden flag for Jules.

Get a tattoo: 
Many people use this as their medium of choice to symbolize the moments they have gone through in life. Getting a tattoo is also a beautiful way to remember your baby if creating art yourself isn't your thing. It is also a way for fathers to honor the baby because dads feel the pain of your loss too.

Buy a cake:
I highly recommend this one for later down the line. You will eventually reach the inevitable due date day when you should have been snuggling your baby in your arms. When I realized mine was about a week away, all of those emotions came back and hard. I remember driving home with tears running down my face. I called my husband; we decided to buy a small cake for the two of us with some candles like you would a birthday cake. We lit the candles and said a little prayer. I am so happy we did this. I want to continue it every year.

Try to find the silver lining:
This one is tough, trust me, I know. How can you possibly find the good from something so heartbreaking? Everyone is different; it may not be possible for some of you reading this. However, I found mine; it did help me.  

My silver lining through this was that without getting pregnant by surprise with Jules, I wouldn't have realized that I did want to be a mom. I wouldn't have my beautiful little rainbow baby Jack; I wouldn't be talking to you trying to help you through this tough time. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.

When you are ready, try again:
After losing Jules, I knew I so desperately wanted to be pregnant again. I did some research and discovered that you can ovulate again two weeks after your miscarriage. I knew that I wanted to try again immediately. Those two weeks felt like an eternity. I bought these ovulation strips and used them every day to be sure I was ovulating before getting our hopes up. Sure enough, two weeks later, the test came back positive that my body was ovulating. Even better was that we were successful and were pregnant again on our first try.

I promise that if you choose to try again when you conceive that next baby, you will be beyond thrilled, your rainbow baby will mean more to you than you can ever imagine.

Mama, I wish you the best of luck. I hope that this blog has helped you to find ways to cope and survive this traumatic time. I plan on writing another piece next in regards to getting pregnant after your miscarriage to help you further with this part of your journey. I hope you stop back in to read it.
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